Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

I have so many questions.

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.