Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

“Je t’aime” = “I love you”

“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”

Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

Writing, She Murdered.

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.