Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

Friend- Are you tired?

Me- Nope, just ugly.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

There is no “ea” in Tim.

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries