Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
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I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Home is where your toilet is.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.