Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
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Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I’m attending a party tonight with The Missus. It’s a bunch of her coworkers who I don’t know.
The negotiations to get me to go went something like this:
The Missus: we have been invited to a New Year’s Eve party and we’re going.
Me: OK
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…