toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
You Might Also Like
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
husband: help me choose a baby name.
me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
cry laughing at this shit