Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

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Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

Sooo many times…..

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold

Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.

Me: I burn it when you leave.

Me: why should I use your dish soap

Dawn: look how good it cleans this duck

Me: ok well how does it do on dishes?

Dawn: again, I can’t stress enough how clean this duck is