Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.