Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”

congratulations to them

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.

Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.

Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.