Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.