Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
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I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
m’lady
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*