Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

Just added something to my bucket list.

You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.