Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

Me – Actually goes for a walk

FitBit – You OK?

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?

Me: No

Son: he’s in the ICU

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

Gross if literal…Liverpool

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.