Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.