Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sistine chapel

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?

*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

Not recommended for beginners.

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?

Her: Uh, excuse me?

Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!