toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
