Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.

I’m so sorry

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”