toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
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eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Sharon I have some bad news
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon