toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
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[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I think I’m gonna be sick
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.