toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
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Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat