*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
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Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me