Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle

Cow: Can you not?

-50 Shades of Graze

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

Playing Silent Hill and honestly there’s a fair amount of noise in this game.

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”