*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
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The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Haha! 😂
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.