toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
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ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
the composer