toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
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good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!