Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like grandma always said…

Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”

customer: your darkest roast please

barista: god created amnesia bc of you

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT

I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.

The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.