Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

I have so many questions.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh

“FOUND ‘EM!”

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.