Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?

all bases covered

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*

My daily affirmation

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.