Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on

Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.