Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

How animals would run if they were human

[first day as a bank teller]

robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money

me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?

robber: let’s start with yours

me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal

“Have you tried drinking more water?”

is the new

“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”

of health advice.

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

This is my favorite one of these!

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.