toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
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[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan