Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
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watching the vp debate, in any election year, is time you will never get back. time you could be using to learn a cool new skill. you could learn how to make pottery. you could make weird little bowls and shit
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
How to properly lift a body
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?