Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
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I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass