Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
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[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
!!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”