Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

Donkey Kong sommelier

You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

Hilarious if literal: arms race

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*

ME: what’s that for?

COP: seriously?

ME:

COP: I think it’s to keep out ants

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.