dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
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My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder