Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

“Bag Full”. Me too vacuum. Me too.

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

S/o to @funTweeters .

[moving her panties to the side]

HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit

OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for

GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome

I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…

I never knew those were synonyms.

[at restaurant]

-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down

“You’re free,” I whisper.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

i spent way too long on this

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them