Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

excuse me

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

journal

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.