Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
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The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
are they though??
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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
i actually laughed 😩
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Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…