Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity