‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
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[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
started wrapping my pills in cheese
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?