Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
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Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
dutch is not a serious language
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
If only
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents