Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story

I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas

Me: sure

Gas station employee: how can I help you

Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please

Gas station employee: where’s your car

I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?