Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia