Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me

date: omg just tell me you’re not interested

cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)

The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]

Boss: I need you to finish your projec-

[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]

Boss: Never mind

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”