Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

I’m not sorry.

I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.

Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”

Me: “Anything?”

*drives to store*

*brings home cupcakes*

*discovers “anything” includes lying*

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?