Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
You Might Also Like
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
🖕🏻👽
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Only a mother’s love …
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.