Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]

Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What’s your friend’s name?

Me: Wikipedia.

Saw your ex at the shops

*Husband buys me flowers*

Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.

Him: But you keep buying the cat food.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

Me: *walks into room*

My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.

Me: *walks back out of room*

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

How high do the levels go?

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please

That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.