Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

Hamburger Hinderer.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

happy birthday to me. i am 25.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️