Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.