Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..

that.

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

😸

channeling her this year

wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.