Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?

Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.