Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
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Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼♀️
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
