Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

The year is 2491. The machines patrol the dusty ruins looking for the last pockets of human resistance. And they STILL haven’t managed to make a packet of biscuits where the “tear here” is aligned with where you actually have to tear.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones

“OK”

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”

10yo: “A phone what?”

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.