Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

Robocop’s guns malfunction.

Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.

Robocop loses his home.

Hobocop.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.