Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
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how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
The old gods are rising again.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-