Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

Grandmother clock.

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

Don’t tell me what to do

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

How I handle confrontation:

Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*

For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

Me: get murdered or die trying amirite

Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered