Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
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How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
🇺🇸🤭
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
Snacking is the boredom activity you can do with your pants on
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
estão todos miauvindo?
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.