Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process