Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*

Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused