[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
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If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
HERE’S MARKY
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit