[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
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ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.