Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11