*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
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EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.