Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

*spreads rose petals on the bed*

[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.

Welcome to the stomach

[Frat party]

Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-

CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.