*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
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You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’m not wrong
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.