toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
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Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.