toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
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No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.