Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

Jeff Bezos this morning:

“Alexa, end my marriage”

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

Finally

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”