Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
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This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
(more comics:
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
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