Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
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[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
boat question
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Free him
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.