Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
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Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
stand with me against insufficient seating
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Just a bush.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*