Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
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Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,