Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
You Might Also Like
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
calling in to work dehydrated
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off