toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
You Might Also Like
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I’m already scared
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*